Magicman
Track Dumbass; Member: DKSB
Place of Birth: Rectum, NC
Age: Unknown; assumed to be 69
Occupation: Fluffer
What He Drives on the Street: 1972 AMC Gremlin 150hp 304 V8 hooked up to a Borg Warner 4-Speed
Dream Car: 1973 Pinto Pangra
Fastest Short Track Lap: 10.65
Fastest Long Track Lap: 14.58
Career: 2008 Rookie of the Year, 2009 IROK Long Track Single Segment Winner
Drivers Prepare for 2011 Season (Part 5 – Magicman)
Putting this interview off as long as I could, I decided I should treat it like a pulling of a band-aid. The faster I do it, the less painful it would be, right? Wishful thinking.
Editor: “So we’re here in one of your establishments’ many locations. I can tell you that the name leaves little to the imagination. Why start up a chain of establishments like this?”
Magicman: “Everyone who comes to Magicman’s Brokeback Mountin’ Male Diva Club has a great time. Why wouldn’t I do this? This is only one of two places where I am in my element. The other being Shake n Bake Speedway, of course.”
Editor: “Rumor has it that you are very reclusive. Do you ever go anywhere besides your clubs and the race track?”
Magicman: “I am but I do venture out from time to time. The racing world and alternative lifestyle world are so far apart, even in California, that I don’t get much intermingling between the two. I will say however that some of the drivers I compete against are frequent visitors to my establishments.”
Editor: “Where are some of your favorite places to go?”
Magicman: “I enjoy Amsterdam quite a bit. I am a big fan of fashion week in Paris as well as the Sundance and Cannes Film Festivals.”
Editor: “Any motorsports?”
Magicman: “Not any more. I used to until I had a very unfortunate incident.”
Editor: “What was that?”
Magicman: “You may not know this, but I had a brief stint as a monster truck owner. I wanted to use it as a platform to bridge the gap between the middle class straight population and the alternative lifestyle population.”
Editor: “I don’t think the fan demographics are anywhere close.”
Magicman: “At first I thought the two weren’t that far apart. Monster trucks seemed pretty gay to me. But, apparently that’s one fan-base that hasn’t come to grips with their sexuality.”
Editor: “Was finding sponsorship money hard?”
Magicman: “We had a sponsor lined up for a 10-year long term contract, but the fans and sanctioning body rejected us after only one event. They apparently didn’t like our sponsor and theme.”
Editor: “Theme?”
Magicman: “Yes, monster trucks typically have a theme that matches their sponsors. DC comics have a Superman truck that has a cape that flaps in the air. Gravedigger is big and scary and looks something like a hearse. There is even one that looks like a bull, you know.”
Editor: “So what was your sponsor and theme?”
Magicman: “Assjack. They make male dildos and prostate massagers. You know, people in St. Louis just aren’t fond of a monster truck that looks like a giant purple anal tickler. I would have never guessed that.”
Editor: “You really didn’t see failure coming at all?”
Magicman: “Nope.”
Editor: “So let’s talk about what you do in the winter months to get ready for your racing season.”
Magicman: “Well, my busy schedule only allows me to race a very limited basis. I may only make one race in 2011.”
Editor: “Do you do anything to prepare for your one race?”
Magicman: “The physical demands from racing at Shake n Bake Speedway are exhausting. All the alcohol mixed with the less than smooth track and no power steering leave the body drained. I always get pre and post race coffee enema’s. They do wonders to prepare and speed recovery afterwards.”
Editor: “Do you do anything to prepare yourself mentally?”
Magicman: “Those coffee colon blows always put me in a good place, mentally. They’re all I need.”
Editor: “Good luck in 2011.”
Be sure to catch Magicman at Shake n Bake Speedway. He is currently scheduled to compete for the 2011 Beer Bottles and Full Throttles event during the 4th of July weekend.
