Rockgut
Kart Durability Tester; Member: DKSB
Place of Birth: Intercourse, PA
Age: 109
Occupation: Gay Porn Movie Director
What He Drives on the Street: License Revoked
His Dream Car: Anything with a valid tag
Fastest Short Track Lap: 9.54 TRACK RECORD
Fastest Long Track Lap: 13.48 TRACK RECORD
Career: 2008 IROK Champion, 2009 IROK Long Track Single Segment Winner; 2010 6-time Short Track Segment Winner & 5-time Long Track Segment Winner; 2011 (to date) 3-time Short Track Segment Winner & 4-time Long Track Segment Winner; Most rollovers by any driver
Drivers Prepare for 2011 Season (Rockgut)
The editors of this website caught up with the drivers recently to find out how they are preparing for the 2011 Shake n Bake racing season. First in this interview series is current short and long track record holder, Rockgut.
We were granted an interview with the elusive Rockgut in his palatial vacation home located in the exact center of the Bermuda Triangle.
Editor: “I think most people would be shocked that there is an island located in the exact center of the Bermuda Triangle. How did you find it?”
Rockgut: “I didn’t. I had it built.”
Editor: “You had an island built….here.”
Rockgut: “Yes.”
Editor: “It must have been a tremendous undertaking and quite expensive. How did you afford it?”
Rockgut: “I took about half of my winnings from the 2008 IROK Championship and invested it in this real estate venture.”
Editor: “What did you do with the rest of the winnings?”
Rockgut: “I spent it on manufacturing and marketing my own action figure line and a Budweiser brewery located here on the island.”
Editor: “Obviously, those are excellent decisions. Some would say you don’t have such good judgment on the track. What would you say to those people?”
Rockgut: “Suck it.”
Editor: “Suck it? That’s it?”
Rockgut: “Yes, suck it.”
Editor: “Ok moving on….What have you been doing over the winter to prepare yourself for the 2011 Shake n Bake racing season?”
Rockgut: “I have been taking a multi-dimensional approach to my training regimen. The first component is proper nutrition. Owning a Budweiser brewery allows me to provide the wholesome diet that only barley, grains, and hops can provide. Pairing those healthy ingredients with natural spring water keeps my body functioning the way it was intended at a constant BAC level of 0.29. This BAC level was determined by the good folks at Gatorade. They hooked me up to their performance measuring equipment to help me determine my body’s optimum BAC level.
Racing is a physically grueling sport, so I maintain my physical fitness advantage by swimming laps in my pool.”
Editor: Lots of people swim as part of their workout. How can you say swimming in your pool allows you to maintain your physical fitness advantage?”
Rockgut: “My pool is filled with Budweiser.”
Editor: “You swim in beer?”
Rockgut: “Yes. Beer has a higher specific gravity than water, therefore increasing the resistance, therefore making the workout harder, therefore I achieve a higher level of physical fitness than anyone who swims in water.”
Editor: “Very interesting. Any worries about this training regimen being copied by your competitors thus negating your perceived advantage?”
Rockgut: “No. None of them have a pool or a Budweiser brewery or an island.”
Editor: “So we’ve covered your diet and exercise program, what do you do mentally to prepare for a grueling racing season?”
Rockgut: “I sit dressed as a lumberjack watching reruns of Welcome Back Kotter with the sound muted while wearing a helmet of tin foil listening to sounds of snapping turtles mating.”
Editor: “Wow. I don’t even know where to start with that response.”
Rockgut: “It’s complicated.”
Many would argue, that complicated is the exact opposite of describing Rockgut. In this writers opinion, after witnessing the famed Shake n Bake driver in his fortress of solitude, the words disturbed or perhaps mentally challenged would be the better word selections. Regardless, his logic defies rational thought, yet, in the end, makes perfect sense.
