Judy Landshark
Place of Birth: Accident, Maryland
Age: 29
Occupation: Late Night Home Shopping Network Host
What She Drives on the Street: VW Type 181 Kurierwagen
Her Dream Car: 1982 DeLorean (88 mph, Bitches!)
Fastest Short Track Lap: 10.33
Fastest Long Track Lap: 14.69
Career: 5th place – 2010 Duel in the Dirt; Rookie of the Year candidate 2010
Drivers Prepare for 2011 Season (Part 4 – Judy Landshark)
Like everything else about Judy Landshark, catching up with her for this interview was easy. Being the only scientifically proven female driver currently competing at Shake n Bake Speedway, may have its perks, but it’s not something that JL says she takes for granted.
Editor: “You’re in the middle of your first “off-season” from racing. You’ve had some time to reflect on your first year of racing. How would you sum it up?”
JL: “Very successful. My beauty advisor insists on mud baths to keep my skin young and beautiful. A very wise man I met at a gay bar mentioned that I could get a very similar treatment while racing at Shake n Bake Speedway.”
Editor: “How so?”
JL: “Well, he explained that the track conditions are often dusty and dry. However, the amount of liquids ingested during the event mixes with the dirt that has seeped into my skin pores. As the alcohol is wicked out through my skin it mixes with the dirt on a molecular level deep within my epidermis. This is essentially what a mud bath does.”
Editor: “Fascinating. Who was this ‘wise man’ you met at a gay bar and how would he know about Shake n Bake Speedway?”
JL: “Surely you know Magicman?”
Editor: “Indeed I do. He’s one of the three founding members of the speedway, the DKSB (Dirty Kansas Boys). I should have known it was him when you mentioned the gay bar.”
JL: “That’s what he’s known for.”
Editor: “So far, the other drivers interviewed have elaborated some on their extravagant purchases since becoming a Shake n Bake driver. Care to divulge what you have spent your race winnings on?”
JL: “I’m glad you asked. I have started up my very own dodgeball league. But this is not your typical dodgeball league. This is the first league that has its own practice and game facility in all of the 12 largest major metropolitan areas in the continental US. These facilities feature state of the art training and exercise machines developed and marketed specifically for the professional dodgeball player. We’re talking a multi million dollar equipment investment alone, not counting the real estate costs. Each location boasts a Starbucks coffee, a beauty spa and walk-in health clinic that specializes in the treatment of STD’s.”
Editor: “That’s quite an undertaking. Has it been profitable for you?”
JL: “Not yet. But my accountants tell me I should see a return on my investment by 2067.”
Editor: “Did you invest all your money in this venture?”
JL: “Oh heavens no. I still have plenty left in the bank. Plus another season is just around the corner so I am planning my next major investment in anticipation of another successful year of racing.”
Editor: “Can you tell us what you’re planning to invest in?”
JL: “Private market space flights…..”
Editor: “Wow. I have to say I’m impressed that that is actually a very viable investment field.”
JL: “…for domestic pets.”
Editor: “What’s that again?”
JL: “Space flights for domestic pets. You know dogs, cats, hampsters, etc.”
Editor: “Oh for the love of ….”
JL: “I have Cesar Millan, you know the Dog Whisperer, on speed dial to tell me what my pets are thinking. He has repeatedly told me how much my animals would love space flight. So that got me thinking about it. I plan to act after the 2011 racing season.”
Editor: “I am shocked, and yet I’ve checked the records, and you don’t appear to have suffered any traumatic head injury during your racing career.”
JL: “Nope, none.”
Editor: “Good for you. Now, what have you been doing over the winter to prepare yourself for competition against the likes of Rockgut, Two Thumbs, The Stig, Magicman and the rest of the Shake n Bake racers?”
JL: “I find that retail therapy is about all I need to prepare. It’s just driving in circles. It isn’t that difficult. It’s pretty simple actually.”
Editor: “What’s it like being the only female driver at Shake n Bake?”
JL: “It’s no big deal. Most of them act like women anyway.”
As yet another interview concludes, this writer is thoroughly confused how these drivers manage the most basic of daily tasks without injury, Ms. Landshark included.
