The Stig
Track Pro, Member: DKSB
Place of Birth: Beer Bottle Crossing, ID
Age: 71
Occupation: Stuntman / Bounty Hunter / Track Operator
What He Drives on the Street: 1982 Chevrolet Citation
His Dream Car: 1989 Aston Martin Lagonda
Fastest Short Track Lap: 9.69
Fastest Long Track Lap: 13.61
Career: 2009 IROK Champion; includes 8 of 10 segment wins; 2010 Duel in the Dirt Winner; 2010 Beer Bottles & Full Throttles Winner; 2010 IROK Champion; 2011 Duel in the Dirt Winner; 2011 Beer Bottles & Full Throttles Winner; 2011 IROK Champion.
Drivers Prepare for 2011 Season (Part 3 – The Stig)
We caught up with The Stig at his massive compound located at the exact opposite GPS location as Rockgut’s vacation home.
Editor: “This is quite an impressive compound. Clearly you both live and work here. How many employees and business partners do you have?”
The Stig: “I have nearly 12,000 employees and 4 business partners.”
Editor: “Why so many employees? What could they possibly be doing?”
The Stig: “My assistant tells me that they are mostly former Enron and Lehman Brothers employees. They protect my extensive investment portfolio and do my taxes.”
Editor: “You’re alluding to the well known fact that all Shake n Bake drivers are incredibly wealthy. Your success at Shake n Bake Speedway with 2009 and 2010 IROK Championships, and many trophy event wins in 2010 is impressive any way you put it.”
The Stig: “That’s not a question. You said you wanted to ask a few questions. I’m confused.”
Editor: “My apologies. Who are your 4 business partners and if it’s not apparent by your answers, what areas of business interest you?”
The Stig: “Mr. Trump, Mr. Hawking, Ms. Stewart, and Ms. Winfrey wish to remain anonymous. I must respect their wishes.”
Editor: “Of course. Can you tell us why you went to the trouble and expense to live in the exact opposite GPS coordinates as Rockgut?”
The Stig: “Yes.”
Editor: “Ok…..”
The Stig: “Ok, what?”
Editor: “Tell us why you live on exactly opposite sides of the Earth from Rockgut.”
The Stig: “The racing gods have smiled on both of us as the only people to ever have won an IROK championship. I believe that much good fortune in too close a proximity for an extended period of time would be detrimental to the well-being of mankind. My anonymous business partner, Mr. Steven Hawking, advises me that one of two things could happen. One, it could tear a hole in the space-time continuum allowing dinosaurs to once again roam the Earth, or two, emit a large enough quantity of anti-matter that would result in the destruction of all living things in this galaxy.”
Editor: “And those have been proven by science?”
The Stig: “Yes, how else can you explain alligators and have you actually seen a platypus? They’re freaky.”
Editor: “Are you afraid of platypus’?
The Stig: “You mean platypii? Yes, some racers believe peanuts are bad luck. I believe having a platypus around is very bad luck.”
Editor: “Very well then, what have you been doing to get yourself ready for the 2011 racing season?”
The Stig: “A lot of deep knee bends and juicing anything and everything I can find that fits into my Juice Tiger.”
Editor: “Juice Tiger?”
The Stig: “It’s a very high powered kitchen appliance used for turning solid food into liquid.”
Editor: “I’m aware of what juicers do. Is this brand something you are marketing or endorsing?”
The Stig: “Not at all. I selected it because it’s the only 427hp two cycle hybrid engine powered juicer on the market today. One of my anonymous partners, Martha Stewart, who will remain anonymous, dared me to juice a car tire and a case of Fiber One bars. There is simply no other juicer capable of liquefying such a combination.”
Editor: “Is there anything else you do to prepare for a grueling racing season?”
The Stig: “I’m a big believer in the powers of acupuncture.”
Editor: “They have an acupuncture program to enhance hand to eye coordination and reflexes, I assume?”
The Stig: “I’m sure they do.”
Editor: “Are you receiving acupuncture treatments to enhance your performance on the track?”
The Stig: “Hell no, I hate needles.”
Editor: “We’ll conclude with that statement.”
There you have it, my good readers, a mere glimpse into the mind of The Stig; A man fond of juicing and squatting with a healthy fear of platypuses and needles.
