Thunder
Rookie
Place of Birth: Amante del Panocha, New Mexico
Age: 40
Occupation: Color Commentator for Girls High School Cheerleading on ESPN 8 “The Ocho”
What He Drives on the Street: 1973 VW Thing
His Dream Car: 1976 AMC Matador Coupe
Fastest Short Track Lap: 9.76
Fastest Long Track Lap: 14.34
Career: 2010 Rookie of the Year
Drivers Prepare for 2011 Season (Thunder)
Once word of our driver interview series got out, Thunder camped outside my home refusing the comforts of indoor plumbing. This generated a large amount of fecal matter on my front lawn until we were ready to sit down and delve into the “unique” mind of the 2010 Shake n Bake Speedway Rookie of the Year. It should be noted, that this writer is still waiting for Thunder to return and clean up my yard.
Editor: “Congratulations on ROTY 2010 honors. How has this changed your life?”
Thunder: “Well, the money has allowed me to buy some things I would not have ever even dreamed of before, but the fame has given me the chance to experience some incredible things with my lifelong heroes.”
Thunder: “What have you purchased?”
Thunder: “I am now the proud owner of the only complete set of Jonathan P. Fruit and William J. Loom’s first ever produced, and heavily worn underwear. I was told by the seller that they are priceless.”
Editor: “You’re kidding?”
Thunder: “Absolutely not. The Smithsonian has been hounding me for weeks to grant them exclusive rights to put these cherished dirty underwear on permanent display in the American History portion of the museum.”
Editor: “Are you going to do it?”
Thunder: “My legal team is currently in negotiations. We are nearly ready to announce a deal. We only have to agree on the profit percentages from gift shop sales.”
Editor: “Gift shop sales?”
Thunder: “One of my childhood dreams has always been to have my own line of commorative underwear. I want to produce exact replicas for the general public to purchase and wear. And when I say exact replica, I mean it, right down to stain size, location and of course, smell. I am so very excited.”
Editor: “No doubt you’re probably the only one, but let’s move on. You mentioned experiences you’ve had since winning ROTY…”
Thunder: “Oh yes. In my quest to be a well rounded and worldly inhabitant of planet Earth, I have been able to get Richard Simmons as my personal trainer, receive private piano lessons from Elton John, posture and body language lessons from Ru Paul, culinary guidance from Rosie O’Donnell, vocal lessons from both K.D. Lang and George Michael, guitar lessons from Melissa Etheridge and extensive training in the performance art of magic from both Siegfried and Roy.”
Editor: “I’m sensing a pattern here. Is it indicative of your personal preference?”
Thunder: “Absolutely. I am a huge fan of the all the arts.”
Editor: “That’s not what I meant.”
Thunder: “Huh?”
Editor: “Never mind. Let’s get to what everyone wants to know…what have you been doing to prepare yourself for this 2011 season of racing at Shake n Bake Speedway?”
Thunder: “Two words, Hot yoga. That’s it. I get naked in a 115 degree room and meditate in the Half Lord of Fishes or Happy Cow pose for 14-1/2 hrs every day.”
Editor: “Fascinating and disturbing all at once.”
Thunder: “I get that response a lot, but I don’t know why. It seems perfectly natural to me.”
Editor: “I’m sure it does. What is the one thing you want your fans to know about you?”
Thunder: “It’s funny you should mention that because I am currently writing my autobiography.”
Editor: “You insisted I ask while you were defecating on my lawn.”
Thunder: “My book, will answer all my fans’ most pressing questions. It comes out February 29th.”
Editor: “You’re releasing it on leap day?”
Thunder: “Yep.”
Editor: “You realize that the next February 29th isn’t until 2012 don’t you?”
Thunder: “I do now.”
Editor: “Wow. So tell us what to expect from your book. What kind of questions do you get from your fans?”
Thunder: “I get letters, emails, text messages, even Tweets, asking my preferences on things like breakfast cereal, toilet paper, hair care products and beer.”
Editor: “Can you answer those few questions and we’ll call it a day?”
Thunder: “Sure. Grape Nuts, none, Just for Men and free.”
They say that you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover, or a man based on a 5 minute interview, but I can say without a doubt that you can and should in this instance.
