Two Thumbs
Place of Birth: Mount Olympus – When a thunderbolt struck a steamy pile of Zeus’ poo
Age: 45 (mentally 12)
Occupation: Voyeur
What He Drives on the Street: 1981 Ford Fairmont
His Dream Car: Triumph Spitfire
Fastest Short Track Lap: 10.37
Fastest Long Track Lap: 14.95
Career: 2010 Rookie of the Year candidate
Drivers Prepare for 2011 Season (Part 8 – Two Thumbs)
We wrap up this series of pre-season interviews with Two Thumbs. His home and personal belongings indicate that he is much more grounded and sensible than the other Shake n Bake drivers. But, appearances can be deceiving.
Editor: “Your insistence to wear floaties, a life jacket, and swimming goggles during this interview strikes me as very weird, especially since we are sitting on your couch. What’s the reasoning behind it?”
Two Thumbs: “It’s very cold outside today, and these things remind me of summer; swimming in my pool.”
Editor: “You wear these things in your own pool? Why didn’t you learn how to swim?”
Two Thumbs: “I did learn. I was captain of my high school swim team.”
Editor: “So why wear them?”
Two Thumbs: “Why was Picasso’s favorite medium oil paints? Why did Mapplethorpe love bullwhips? I ask these things to prove a point. They merely chose them because they favored them. These swimming accessories make me feel whole.”
Editor: “I look around, and I don’t see anything extravagant. What have you done with your race winnings?”
Two Thumbs: “Please, I prefer to call them purses…..I’ve started the Two Thumbs Up Foundation to provide financial assistance to those that suffer from finger disfigurements such as myself.”
Editor: “Tell us what that entails.”
Two Thumbs: “Well, in addition to the obvious financial payouts to individuals, I have spent a significant amount investing in the development of touch-screen phones designed for people with jacked up thumbs.”
Editor: “When will we see those hit the market?”
Two Thumbs: “It’s hard to say. Everyone on the team has similar disfigurements and we keep dropping the prototypes and have to start over. It’s a frustrating process.”
Editor: “It sounds like it. Do you do anything special to get ready for racing this year?”
Two Thumbs: “I do quite a bit to prepare.”
Editor: “Give us some details; a day-in-the-life, so to speak.”
Two Thumbs: “I wake at 4:30am, for breakfast which consists of 2 lbs of bacon, 9 flax seed granola bars, and 2 quarts of prune juice. Once I finish that, it’s usually a race with my colon to the bathroom. That stop takes about 75 minutes of hard labor, then, it’s off to change my shorts, if I lost said race. Next, I jog for about 3 hours then have 7 hard boiled eggs to recover from the run. Then it’s off to the sauna. I stay hydrated in the sauna with liter of skim milk. After spending about 4 hours in the sauna, it’s time for a chef’s salad and a six pack of Red Bull. I spend the majority of the afternoon doing my Shake Weight while watching my soaps. Evenings are mostly spent watching last years’ races and scratching myself.”
Editor: “You are very specific about your diet. Does it ever vary?”
Two Thumbs: “Not ever.”
Editor: “Not much of your routine seems to be centered on preparing for a grueling racing season. What were your days like before becoming a Shake n Bake driver?”
Two Thumbs: “12 hours a day, straight-up surfing porn on the internet.”
Editor: “Didn’t you have a job?”
Two Thumbs: “Nope, I get disability due to my thumbs.”
Editor: “Are you sure it’s only for your thumbs?”
Two Thumbs: “Pretty sure.”
With that, I wrapped up our interview with Two Thumbs and wrapped up the pre-season interview series. Good luck to all the drivers. They’re gonna need it.
